I deal with mufflers

An old family friend is a well-regarded Colon and Rectal surgeon. His life is spent looking up the rear ends of other people. Gross you might say. Well, someone needs to do it, and he has certainly made quite a lucrative lifestyle out of fixing people up back there. He jokes that he is a “muffler man” because he’s fixing up “tail pipes” all the time. Newsflash: ME TOO!! Unfortunately, the daily services I provide in that department do not come with the fancy sports car, boat, and multiple homes like my doctor friend. The best I can hope for is a good deal on a case of wipes, plenty of hand sanitizer, and some high quality air fresheners.

The poop topic is on the brain because of our trip to TJ MAXX yesterday. I had all 3 kids with me, and we were in search of a few deals. We were perusing the sunglass rack when Whitney (age 6) dramatically bent over, grabbed her stomach, and loudly said, “Oh mom, my stomach hurts so much, I have the worst cramps.” Without thinking twice, I said in a non-hushed voice, “Do you need to go poop?” The next thing I know, a woman of about 40 (clearly with no children of her own) was shooting her laser-beam beady eyes at me. The look on her face would’ve indicated I had just handed her a plate of poop and asked her to eat it. I shot her back a look that said “PLEEEASE. Who invited Miss Priss in to shop here?” Perhaps I should get myself a uniform that says WASTE MANAGEMENT SPECIALISTS to give people a little forewarning about what I might say about poop in public.

Again this morning the day greeted me with poop. Like a JEOPARDY! contestant I got my daily double before I even had a chance to finish my cup of coffee. Tom, age 4, is at the age where a trip to the bathroom is loudly pronounced and makes people jump: “Moooooom, I need to go poooooooooooop!!!” Off he went, and I soon realized that Hadley, age 2, was also up to no good in the playroom. Although she is not potty trained, she knows what is going on down there, and has taken to strategically positioning herself in one part of the room to do her thing. They both told me they were done within ten seconds of one another. After cleaning them both up, I realized that maybe it’s not so bad to have to deal with all this poop so early in the day. I’m starting to think about summer and bathing suits and looking at this much filth so early in the morning is enough to curb anyone’s appetite.

My last thought on this topic for today is the ol’ diaper peek or diaper sniff. Nobody told me when I became a mom I’d be peeking down kids’ backsides all the time, or lifting them up to give them a sniffaroo. It’s not like we do this to each other growing up, or to those we date or marry. Can you imagine? “Excuse me, John, can I have a little looksey back there? Something does not smell quite right.” Yet I’ve done this to my own kids at least a thousand times in 6 years. Now when the trash truck drives by my house the odor just doesn’t bother me like it used to. It’s frankly a miracle that I have any sense of smell left at all.

Call it what you want kiddies: muffler, backdoor, backyard, bumbelina, tush. If it’s dirty, I’m your girl.

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